Arg, yes, i fail at life right now, but uhhhhh i just don't think i can write the last four, considering they get longer and stickier and the families come into play and they're just...................COMPLICATED and Benji is not easy to listen to for long periods of time ahaha...so i figured it wasn't worth waiting for the complete set and Merry Christmas ....belated year and a bit.
Title: X-Mas BJ x 6
Author:![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
witblogi
Pairings: BENJI AND JAMES Y'ALL
Rating: PG-PG13
Warnings: swearing f-bombs away
Summary: Christmas 1-6 with Benji and James
Notes: Forintroject ! Because I promised long ago
The First One
Benji hung up the phone with infinite care. He’d just finished speaking with his parents and found out he was not going home for winter break. They’d been snowed in and there was no way they would be able to make it to the airport to pick him up so, they canceled the funding on his plane ticket and he was stuck at school.
In his dorm.
With James.
For all of the break.
And Christmas.
Life was definitely a bitch.
Benji turned slowly, carefully in his seat to face his lounging dorm mate who was currently watching what looked like Loony Tunes. He took a breath preparing to break it to James that he’d have company for break with a bit of small talk.
“ You aren’t leaving, are you?” James didn’t move or turn to look at him, Benji wondered if he’d even so much as blinked. Instead of asking how he knew Benji just nodded meekly somehow knowing that James understood.
“ I bet you’re going to want to do all that stupid corporate Christmas shit aren’t you? The tree and socks and all that?” the TV was flicked off and Benji faced a pair of hard eyes.
“ Well, yeah…what’s Christmas without that stuff? And family of course, but seeing as that isn’t happening…” He tugged on his sleeves nervously looking away from his dorm mate.
“ Right, well if you do it, don’t ask me to help, don’t get pine needles on the carpet, and don’t expect me to get you anything, because I hate Christmas.” He hoisted himself off of the sofa and slinked into his room before Benji could fully comprehend what he was saying.
“ Hate Christmas? How can anyone hate Christmas?” he mused before turning to his calendar and marking off new dates. He had things to do and a very limited time schedule.
§§§
After finding out that turkey was impossible to find a recipe for that only involved a hot plate for cooking, his reindeer sweater was an abomination and burned James’ eyes, and all the disgusting facts he never wanted to know about egg nog, Benji felt himself on his last nerve and hunting for a Christmas tree.
Not a real one, just a plastic one. Real ones were fire hazards and weren’t allowed anywhere in the building. So, he was hunting in the hardware store for a five foot tall plastic evergreen, one week before Christmas in a reindeer sweater with the heavy feeling of eggnog in his stomach.
Poking around, he realized that the only ones left were ten footers and one badly beaten eight foot one. Feeling completely worn out, and unable to face James without something to show for what was left of his spirit, he grabbed the beaten up one and moved on to ornaments.
Hauling it all home was an ordeal entirely. He managed to wrestle it onto the bus okay, it was just the issue of getting it up the narrow stairs to his dorm that was the problem now. He struggled with it, pivoting and shrugging it, dragging and pushing; anything to get it up the stubborn stairs. Cursing the fact they didn’t have an elevator he gave another shove to the rectangular green-box that only resulted in it slipping down two steps.
Cursing under his breath as another fellow student edged past him without an offer to help, he heaved extra hard and ended up losing his grip and stumbling to the floor.
“ What do you think you’re doing?” James! Benji turned quickly, realizing that the last person to pass him on the stairs had actually been his dorm mate. He only felt joy for a moment thinking help had come before it plunged back down into disappointment when he remembered James’ anti Christmas attitude.
“ Moving my tree, get out of the way,” Benji bit out turning his back on the leather jacketed man. Bending his knees, he hoisted one end of the tree and edged it upward an inch.
“ Right, I don’t think you’re going to get upstairs anytime soon.” James leaned against the wall behind Benji, watching him struggle, amusement written subtly all over his face. Benji gritted his teeth and pressed on ignoring the taunts and mocking from his dorm mate. After he’d managed to get it up one more flight he’d just about had it with James, with Christmas, and with god damned wool sweaters; all of them were turning out to be hot itchy and uncomfortable on his neck.
“ James, I don’t care, It’s stupid it’s awkward I can’t do it alone, either help me or go back to the dorm and leave me alone.” He finally yelled, watching James blink down at him for a moment before shrugging and turning tail. Benji stood for a few seconds unbelieving that there could really be such an unfeeling Grinch in the world.
What felt like hours later, Benji was finally on their floor and pushing the tree gratefully to the door. Arriving in the dorm, he noted James was nowhere in sight and a smug stone of satisfaction weighed in his heart. Maybe he could actually get something done in peace, with Christmas songs playing and no scathing criticism in sight.
Later that night, Benji finished with the ornaments, standing in the candy coloured light that bathed the room he surveyed his masterpiece. He no longer felt satisfied, and instead had never been so utterly lonely in his life. Usually he put the tree up with the family, laughing as his dad put the angel on the tree, and his mom told the stories behind every ornament.
Feeling nostalgic, he sadly gathered the packages he’d meant to be under that real tree, and laid them carefully at the base of this one instead. Kneeling there looking up at it, everything stilled and the night was calm. This is until James burst though the door loudly and barreled through the apartment barely noticing Benji or his handy work.
Wincing as the door slammed, Benji hoped next Christmas he might be spending with someone who cared about him, maybe even just friends, if he made some by then…
The Second One
Christmas Eve was quiet at the dorm, most people had gone home for the holidays or at least were somewhere off campus, celebrating. This night, just one light was glowing brightly on the fifth floor of Fischer Hall. There, Benji sat with a bucket full of popcorn, stringing garlands for lack of anything better to do as he watched the news at eleven.
Having long ago finished his winter break homework, as it was a useful reason not to talk to James, he was now struggling with finding things so do to fill up his time. Benji learned last year that maybe everyone didn’t respond the way he did to things, and maybe James was one of those unpredictable people. So, now Benji tried to just avoid conflict with James as much as possible, although that was hard when they both seemed to get on each others nerves a rather startling amount
Benji ate a handful of popcorn, and continued stringing. He often wondered why they just couldn’t be friends, they’d lived together for a year, shared a bathroom for a year, and yet they hadn’t managed to formally take the mental plunge into being friends. Benji didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing. In his mind, truthfully, James was the only person he really had right now. Between all his classes, and working, being so far from home he had had no time for socializing and consequentially was alone. On the other hand James was not someone Benji particularly approved of, He drank, smoked, swore, and didn’t go to class half the time, just floating along on his money. James didn’t earn anything but his increasing chance of lung cancer with every suck of his deadly little sticks of tobacco.
Shaking his head absently at the television that was depicting some old fashioned carolers, he tried not to think about that ache that lingered somewhere in his sternum. As much as James was a hazard to everyone’s health he was also something elusive, desirable almost, and Benji secretly just wished to be accepted. The night was dark around him, and Benji flicked off the TV. Stringing up the new garlands, He then took the left over bowl of kernels to the kitchen and blindly put it into the darkness before him that somewhere held the sink.
The lock scraped loudly, and Benji froze, James was back. The door was swung open and immediately Benji sensed something wrong, there wasn’t just one set of heavy foot falls. Instead he listened to James’ steady steps as well as the erratic path of someone small who smelt strongly of cheap perfume.
Benji silent and motionless in the alcove of their dorm that made up the kitchen, went unnoticed by the heavy breathing, and occasionally giggling couple. A cloud shifted outside and moonlight flooded the apartment, Benji watched as James’ head turned to him. They locked eyes for only a few heartbeats, something unspoken broke between them as James blinked away and shut the door of his room behind him.
Benji, now in a foul mood and not really knowing why, stormed off into his room and slammed the door without much after thought collapsing into his bed and burying his head under his pillow until morning.
This was the worst Christmas ever.
The Third One
Benji hesitantly stepped out of the elevator. It was the most spontaneous thing he’d ever done. He had the full expectation to have the door slammed in his face, but something, something about this time of year just felt wrong in his single dorm.
Locating apartment C11 Benji stepped up to the bare clean spot before that door that clearly indicated it should have a welcome mat. Benji made a note to maybe get one before he remembered he didn’t live there, he never would, it didn’t matter. He frowned but raised his fist and knocked before he could think about it too much.
Lately thinking about James, and why he was thinking about James led him to become very confused and disoriented. Muffled sounds from behind the door alerted Benji of movement. His eyes widened and he suddenly got very shy, why the hell was he there? What was he doing? Before he could move his statue of a body into a hidden position, the door was wrenched open and he was face to face with his surly looking ex-dorm mate.
James eyed him as Benji opened his mouth to stutter out some sort of excuse or greeting or something. Turning on his heel, James retreated back into the apartment leaving the door and Benji gaping. Looking around suspiciously Benji took a slow step into the apartment and closed the door without looking back.
“ I didn’t think you’d last this long,” James had turned off his TV, leaving an awkward silence that begged to be filled by conversation. Benji licked his lips wondering what to say at the same time as trying to beat back all the sudden things he wanted to say that were threatening to come out all at once. Instead only one rather pathetic gurgle pulled from his throat and sat in the room between them. James frowned.
“ Did you just gurgle? What the fuck is wrong with you?” he moved across the room and behind a counter to his stainless steel refrigerator.
“ N-no! I just wanted to- see- wish- I…er…here!” he offered up an engraved lighter that he’d long ago stolen from a sleeping James’ pocket, not realizing it would have been far more effective to steal all his cigarettes to get him to stop smoking.
James frowned and moved forward. Cracking his Coke open and taking a long gulp, he retrieved the metal device from Benji’s palm and flicked it open, igniting it and flipping it closed. Then he turned it over in his hand and thumbed the engraving on the back. Benji had long ago memorized the words from hours of staring at the lighter, carrying it in his pocket to pull out at random intervals. That was really why he had it, he didn’t even think of having a real reason to be there.
“ What does it mean?” Benji found himself blurting out before he’d had a chance to stop himself. James glanced up, his eyes unfocused for a moment.
“ Hm, oh, it’s just…an old family motto. I’d thought I’d lost this,” he sighed folding the lighter back into his fist and squeezing before slipping it into his own pocket.
“ Oh, no, I found it, um in some stuff last week. It probably just got jumbled in with my things when we moved,” He nodded and James did the same blinking slowly before taking another sip of his cola. Benji resisted bouncing on the balls of his feet.
“ So is it like…valuable or something?” he found himself asking, prying really. He’d never seen James react like that to anything and he was eager to explore it, and maybe just stay a bit longer.
“ not really, it’a piece of shit, won’t light half the time but-“ he rolled his shoulders and looked away sitting down at the small round table between the couch and the kitchen, “ Are you going to stand there or sit down?” James asked without looking at him and taking out the lighter again.
Benji jumped and took off his coat, a bit thrilled, and bit nervous, and more confused than ever as he pushed his jacket over the back of the couch and sat across from James. He watched as James fingered the small box, turning it over and over in his hands, much the same way Benji had been doing for the last few months.
“ It belonged to my grandfather, he gave it to me just before he died,” He said doing that odd slow blink again. Benji bit his lip feeling terrible about having have possession of it for so long. Did James look for it when he’d thought he’d lost it? Was he worried? Remorseful?
“ I’m so so-“
“ Don’t fucking be sorry, you didn’t even know him,” James’ eyes flashed and Benji shut his mouth with an audible snap. Silence wrapped around them as James stared at the lighter, no doubt in a different time, at a different age. “ It was Christmas eve, he’d given it to me as a gift. Later that night he had a heart attack, I spent Christmas day in waiting room of the ICU, he was dead by dinner,” James shrugged like he wasn’t affected by the tale anymore. Benji’s mouth was dry and he didn’t really know what to say, he looked about the barely furnished apartment and back to James.
“ Is that why you don’t like Christmas?” He whispered wondering if James had actually shared something of a personal nature with him. Maybe their separation actually made James miss Benji as much as Beni missed James.
Benji never got an answer, instead James went to the sofa and sat down flicking on the TV. Benji hesitantly followed sitting on the opposite side.
Sometime the next morning Benji woke, his neck stiff from sleeping on a couch arm and his mouth feeling cottony from his neglect to brush his teeth the night before. Looking around he squinted, seeing he was still in james’ apartment. After all those hours of watching wheel of fortune, the Price is right and CNN he must have dozed off.
Sitting up he rubbed his eyes and looked down, finding his shoes having been removed and his body covered with a thick spare blanket. Feeling oddly out of place, yet tingly and sleepy all the same, Benji set his head back into the uncomfortable arm, turned over and closed his eyes once more.
The Fourth One
“I know you don’t like it, but I think it’s at least healthy to have a tree at Christmas. Besides I’m staying with you and I’d like it,” Benji grunted hauling on the spruce that they were currently trying to move up three flights of stairs.
“ I can kick you out at any moment. Fuck, I only agreed to this because of the fucking elevator!” James’ voice floated over and through the branches of the prickly green tree and Benji quietly snickered. The looking on James’ face when his landlord said he couldn’t take the sticky sappy bottom of the tree into the elevator unless he wanted to pay for new carpeting was priceless. “ Who puts fucking carpet in a fucking elevator?” James asked for at least the fourth time as he gave another push. Benji sighed and heaved. This was a lot easier when there were two people and when James was in an powerful rage. Wedging around another corner, they were on the last flight.
“ And why the fuck did you want a real one? It’s ruining my fucking $300 coat, you’re fucking paying for this you fucker.” James’ potty mouth was starting to grate on his nerves, it wasn’t that bad. He voiced as much and was only treated to another bout of verbal harassment.
“ WHAT? Fuck you! You made me carry this fucking thing I can fucking say anything I fucking want to! You’re just a dumb fuck who never fucking swears.” Benji screwed up his face and pushed through the door onto the floor.
“ You think I don’t fucking swear? Fuck you, you fucking shit faced cunt! It’s not that fucking bad, now stop complaining we’re almost the fuck there.” Benji yelled right back, intent on proving his ability to cuss just as badly as James. When he set down the tree though to pul out his keys he didn’t bargain for the rest of their neighbours to be in the hall as well.
“ Oh my!” an old woman scowled at him and he turned a dark shade of red. Maybe he’d been a bit louder than he’d thought. James had this biggest shit eating grin on his face obviously having known what would happen if he tore screaming down the hallway like a twelve year old with their first damn.
Benji opened the door and hauled the tree in after him. James was off like a shot away from the tree and Benji as well.
“ I’ll kill you, you knew what would happen!” Benji seethed leaning the tree against the door and ripping his scarf from his throat. James raised an eyebrow in perfect innocence.
“ I don’t know what you’re talking about…you mother fucker.”
The Fifth One
The dawning of Christmas day was met with cursing and Benji hefting a large frozen turkey onto the kitchen counter. With him unofficially living with James (and paying a hefty interest on his half of rent until he managed to find his own place) in a fully equipped apartment, access to an oven was completely within his grasp this year, and he intended on making the most of the season.
He’d never cooked a turkey before, he’d never really cooked anything before, but he was sure it couldn’t be that hard. Having left it out for what he thought was a reasonable amount of time for it to thaw, he found it still cold in some places and warm in others. Probably a perfectly natural phenomenon, he reasoned cleaning out the insides and setting it in a massive aluminum pan he’d bought for the occasion.
James stumbled out of his room, bleary eyed and barely dressed, his boxers hanging low off one hip and making Benji feel uncomfortably hot and focus harder on the task at hand.
“ What timesit?” James slurred collapsing on the sofa and picking up a half finished rum and coke he’d started the night before.
“ Half past nine, I’m just putting the turkey in…” he frowned at the complicated instructions in the new cook book he’d bought as well, and idly thought back to his mother’s golden skinned succulent Christmas turkeys. If she could do it, he certainly could. Puffing up his chest, he hesitantly turned the dial of the stove and opened the oven door. Slotting the turkey in and closing the door once more Benji looked about and nodded, that seemed far, far too easy for the lengths his mother went to each year and a wave of sickening dread washed over him.
James stood, scratching rather obscenely and stretched before gesturing to the tree, “ Going to open your stupid presents?” He asked and for some reason in the duration of watching him, Benji’s suspicious was entirely forgotten and his focus shifted onto James and the twinkling Christmas tree.
Six hours later, in the lethargy that accompanied the aftershocks of opening presents, using presents and watching a made for TV Christmas movie, hunger was rumbling insistently through Benji’s stomach.
Glancing over at the oven, he decided it was time to check the turkey, maybe he’d neglected that a bit, but really what harm could it have done. Standing and crossing the apartment he thought of why he’d been distracted again. He’d found an unmarked package under the tree that he certainly hadn’t put there, and knowing Santa had long gone the way of the tooth fairy only one suspect was left. James, he’d left him a present, a scarf in fact. Benji grinned thinking of it again as he tugged gently at the adornment still at his neck, James had remembered, even as he’d protested the crowded mall trip will ever swear and slander he had against Benji, he still remembered which one Benji had wanted.
Of course James had completely denied it and said he’d probably bought it for himself and forgot, or maybe one if his stupid friends had brought it over. Benji blinked at that one, James especially knew how stupid that sounded, he had immense trouble making friends, and the ones he’d made so far weren’t close enough for presents just quite yet.
Pulling open the oven door in a bit of a daze, he was completely unready to meet the image of a rolling black cloud of smoke instead of a juicy sweet smelling bird. “ You’re cleaning that up,” James hadn’t even turned his head, or opened his eyes for that matter from what Benji had assumed was a quick cat nap.
Benji swallowed hard and pulled the crumpled tray out of the oven. Setting it down he didn’t bother to take it’s temperature, instead opting to cut it open and view the damage. If the outside was charred and the inside was still good maybe it wasn’t so bad after all-
The inside was….well it was raw and…still frozen? How was that possible? Benji frowned and picked up his cooking book again, it stated that the overall temperature of the bird should be even before cooking or…well…this would happen.
Dropping the book he turned back to the once dinner and groaned, plan B, microwaving it. Seeing the whole thing didn’t fit, he proceeded to cut off hunks of alternately smoking and icy meat and placing them into the microwave.
Slamming the door he set the time, noting James was leaning against the couch now, watching him with some sort of mild amusement on his face. Turning his back on the now whirring device he had just enough time to see James’ horror filled eyes before a loud bang and a tiny explosion rocked the kitchen.
“ WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?” James was clearing the smoke and patting out a small fire luckily nothing was damaged but- Benji cringed, the microwave was entirely busted.
“ So…that’s what happens when you microwave metal,” he laughed nervously seeing the charred fork that had flown out of the appliance and onto the tiled floor by his feet.
“ You’re paying for this!” James hissed sweeping past him to open the door, where their very pissed off super was standing.
“ You boys again? I swear this time of year… What happened?” He stepped into the kitchen and Benji stood back to let him survey the damage. Half an hour later, He was cutting two cheques, one for the damage, and one for James because he was keeping Beni’s ‘kamikaze ass’ around.
“ Right, I’m going out to get something to eat,” James blew out of the apartment, slamming the door as Benji continued to clean up the mess that consumed the kitchen. After the turkey, and the microwave remnants were taken to the basement, as they were too large for the garbage chute (much to Benji’s obvious delight), he returned to the forlorn apartment ready to grab a granola bar and call it a night.
James sat at the table, a take out chicken dinner laid before him and an unopened one sitting at Benji’s place. Pausing for a moment, James glanced up and to his spot, gesturing wordlessly for him to eat.
For the second time that day Benji truly believed in the greater good of humanity, or at least in the good of the human before him, who so easily masked it with a well placed belch, and a few curses.
“ It was cheaper if I bought the two person-“
“ I’m sor-“
They both paused and looked at the other, finding something neither of them really knew they wanted, and went back to eating in silence, the way it always was.
The Sixth One
Benji couldn’t stop thinking about It. The Incident. It’d been weeks ago, probably months but it haunted him still. Every time his mind wandered, or his eyes slipped onto a couple in the streets there it was hanging before him.
“ Fuck,” he hissed rubbing his eyes. It meant nothing, it didn’t matter, they’re in college, that’s what you do. Most importantly, it didn’t bother James, so why should it bother him?
James, the main problem sat down, tossing him his foil wrapped burger. They were in the cafeteria of a local mall, Benji had spotted a table and gone to save it while James ordered and now something between ‘ Yeah, I’ll have a diet coke’ and ‘ Here’s your fucking burger, fag,’ had obviously bothered James. Benji carefully unwrapped his lunch and started chewing thoughtfully, knowing eventually James would spill over and provoking him would only make him defensive.
“ That’s the third time this week,” he said darkly into his fries. Benji set down his burger and looked up, dusting sesame seeds off of his fingers.
“ What’s that?” he blinked casually, best to stay neutral.
“ Those fucking girls! Asking if we’re fucking queer. Do I look fucking queer?” James snarled and ripped into his lunch as Benji’s stomach flipped over.
“ Oh?” his lighthearted tone sounded a bit forced. “ Those girls have asked you three times this week?” He chose the safe route, he’d rather not have James’ wrath come down upon him when they’d just begun to really get along – His mind drifted back to it again, the k-The Incident, and he was determined not to think about it.
“ You know what I mean,” James took a long pull from his soda and slammed it back on the table rubbing his temples.
“ Well, it’s just because we’re together a lot. I’m sure if we were with girls no one would question it at all. Speaking of girls, they’re always together and yet no one asks them if they’re lesbians, I’m going to start doing that.” Benji babbled hoping maybe to distract James from this new and growing problem. The last thing he wanted to happen was for them to start talking about what was between them, what lead them to- to kiss.
Benji flinched again as a rapid instant replay rolled over his body, it all happened so fast, it was just an ordinary day, there was something funny on TV, they were sitting slide by side their bodies pressed together casually from knee to shoulder. James leaned over to grab something and it just sort of happened. There was no real beginning or end or one specific person to started it or ended it, it just happened.
And Benji couldn’t stop thinking about it.
“ Right, girls, cause we’re straight, I’m straight, are you straight?” James asked gruffly giving Benji a suspicious eye that for some reason cut him rather deeply.
“ Of course I’m straight,” it came out a bit more cross and high pitched than he’d intended but it didn’t matter, James seemed satisfied for the moment. Benji cleared his throat and got that weird ‘something bad is going to happen’ feeling again but it was soon pushed out of his head as the k- The Incident sat down again ready to be resolutely ignored.
The days had progressed in a rather unpredictable manner from that point on, when they should have been perfectly in their element comfortable together they tended to be parted by awkward silences masked by coughs and shuffling of feet. Benji couldn’t name the number of times that day he’d found his own hands so newly fascinating when one of those moments would descent upon them. It made him uneasy to think that something so small so insignificant really could shake his whole world up like a manhandled sixth grade shoebox diorama. Usually afterward his insides felt like the mangled diorama as well, bruised and torn.
“ Right, I’m bringing a date to that party on Saturday.” James peeled the bun off of his burger and flicked the pickle out with distain, “ and I’m only telling you,” his eyes flicked up for a moment to capture Benji’s completely before returning to his pickle flicking, “ So you won’t expect me to hold your–” he stopped, a panicked look widening his eyes for a fraction of a second. He coughed, but the awkward situation was already stuffed too far down his throat this time.
Benji cast his eyes down, no he didn’t expect James to hold his hand, but the fact he was so stiffly ignoring the issue of ‘them’ or the non-issue of ‘them’ and clinging to his straight manwhoring ways even though they both knew they should talk about ‘them’ and the Incident- Benji pushed some ketchup around with a fry unable to eat it now that he felt like he was on a rocking ship at sea. They were going to capsize eventually and the thought of losing James, the truthfully sad fact of his only friend, was terrifying.
James took a huge bite of his burger.
Honestly the opposite idea was just as horrifying, Benji didn’t know how to be normal when he was normal, but trying to be normal while being gay, or bisexual, or james-sexual or whatever he possibly was, was as daunting as the laborious task of building a new life from scratch without his abusive room mate. The past six years, gone. Benji tossed the flavorless bit of potato into his mouth and shrugged the tension out of his shoulders.
“ Whatever,” He sighed and waited a moment for the tossing in his head to settle before picking up his burger, if he concentrated he could pretend like nothing had happened, he could be with J– Benji blinked. He could be like James.
This took forever to post, I'm going to kill safari.
Title: X-Mas BJ x 6
Author:
witblogi Pairings: BENJI AND JAMES Y'ALL
Rating: PG-PG13
Warnings: swearing f-bombs away
Summary: Christmas 1-6 with Benji and James
Notes: For
introject ! Because I promised long agoThe First One
Benji hung up the phone with infinite care. He’d just finished speaking with his parents and found out he was not going home for winter break. They’d been snowed in and there was no way they would be able to make it to the airport to pick him up so, they canceled the funding on his plane ticket and he was stuck at school.
In his dorm.
With James.
For all of the break.
And Christmas.
Life was definitely a bitch.
Benji turned slowly, carefully in his seat to face his lounging dorm mate who was currently watching what looked like Loony Tunes. He took a breath preparing to break it to James that he’d have company for break with a bit of small talk.
“ You aren’t leaving, are you?” James didn’t move or turn to look at him, Benji wondered if he’d even so much as blinked. Instead of asking how he knew Benji just nodded meekly somehow knowing that James understood.
“ I bet you’re going to want to do all that stupid corporate Christmas shit aren’t you? The tree and socks and all that?” the TV was flicked off and Benji faced a pair of hard eyes.
“ Well, yeah…what’s Christmas without that stuff? And family of course, but seeing as that isn’t happening…” He tugged on his sleeves nervously looking away from his dorm mate.
“ Right, well if you do it, don’t ask me to help, don’t get pine needles on the carpet, and don’t expect me to get you anything, because I hate Christmas.” He hoisted himself off of the sofa and slinked into his room before Benji could fully comprehend what he was saying.
“ Hate Christmas? How can anyone hate Christmas?” he mused before turning to his calendar and marking off new dates. He had things to do and a very limited time schedule.
§§§
After finding out that turkey was impossible to find a recipe for that only involved a hot plate for cooking, his reindeer sweater was an abomination and burned James’ eyes, and all the disgusting facts he never wanted to know about egg nog, Benji felt himself on his last nerve and hunting for a Christmas tree.
Not a real one, just a plastic one. Real ones were fire hazards and weren’t allowed anywhere in the building. So, he was hunting in the hardware store for a five foot tall plastic evergreen, one week before Christmas in a reindeer sweater with the heavy feeling of eggnog in his stomach.
Poking around, he realized that the only ones left were ten footers and one badly beaten eight foot one. Feeling completely worn out, and unable to face James without something to show for what was left of his spirit, he grabbed the beaten up one and moved on to ornaments.
Hauling it all home was an ordeal entirely. He managed to wrestle it onto the bus okay, it was just the issue of getting it up the narrow stairs to his dorm that was the problem now. He struggled with it, pivoting and shrugging it, dragging and pushing; anything to get it up the stubborn stairs. Cursing the fact they didn’t have an elevator he gave another shove to the rectangular green-box that only resulted in it slipping down two steps.
Cursing under his breath as another fellow student edged past him without an offer to help, he heaved extra hard and ended up losing his grip and stumbling to the floor.
“ What do you think you’re doing?” James! Benji turned quickly, realizing that the last person to pass him on the stairs had actually been his dorm mate. He only felt joy for a moment thinking help had come before it plunged back down into disappointment when he remembered James’ anti Christmas attitude.
“ Moving my tree, get out of the way,” Benji bit out turning his back on the leather jacketed man. Bending his knees, he hoisted one end of the tree and edged it upward an inch.
“ Right, I don’t think you’re going to get upstairs anytime soon.” James leaned against the wall behind Benji, watching him struggle, amusement written subtly all over his face. Benji gritted his teeth and pressed on ignoring the taunts and mocking from his dorm mate. After he’d managed to get it up one more flight he’d just about had it with James, with Christmas, and with god damned wool sweaters; all of them were turning out to be hot itchy and uncomfortable on his neck.
“ James, I don’t care, It’s stupid it’s awkward I can’t do it alone, either help me or go back to the dorm and leave me alone.” He finally yelled, watching James blink down at him for a moment before shrugging and turning tail. Benji stood for a few seconds unbelieving that there could really be such an unfeeling Grinch in the world.
What felt like hours later, Benji was finally on their floor and pushing the tree gratefully to the door. Arriving in the dorm, he noted James was nowhere in sight and a smug stone of satisfaction weighed in his heart. Maybe he could actually get something done in peace, with Christmas songs playing and no scathing criticism in sight.
Later that night, Benji finished with the ornaments, standing in the candy coloured light that bathed the room he surveyed his masterpiece. He no longer felt satisfied, and instead had never been so utterly lonely in his life. Usually he put the tree up with the family, laughing as his dad put the angel on the tree, and his mom told the stories behind every ornament.
Feeling nostalgic, he sadly gathered the packages he’d meant to be under that real tree, and laid them carefully at the base of this one instead. Kneeling there looking up at it, everything stilled and the night was calm. This is until James burst though the door loudly and barreled through the apartment barely noticing Benji or his handy work.
Wincing as the door slammed, Benji hoped next Christmas he might be spending with someone who cared about him, maybe even just friends, if he made some by then…
The Second One
Christmas Eve was quiet at the dorm, most people had gone home for the holidays or at least were somewhere off campus, celebrating. This night, just one light was glowing brightly on the fifth floor of Fischer Hall. There, Benji sat with a bucket full of popcorn, stringing garlands for lack of anything better to do as he watched the news at eleven.
Having long ago finished his winter break homework, as it was a useful reason not to talk to James, he was now struggling with finding things so do to fill up his time. Benji learned last year that maybe everyone didn’t respond the way he did to things, and maybe James was one of those unpredictable people. So, now Benji tried to just avoid conflict with James as much as possible, although that was hard when they both seemed to get on each others nerves a rather startling amount
Benji ate a handful of popcorn, and continued stringing. He often wondered why they just couldn’t be friends, they’d lived together for a year, shared a bathroom for a year, and yet they hadn’t managed to formally take the mental plunge into being friends. Benji didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing. In his mind, truthfully, James was the only person he really had right now. Between all his classes, and working, being so far from home he had had no time for socializing and consequentially was alone. On the other hand James was not someone Benji particularly approved of, He drank, smoked, swore, and didn’t go to class half the time, just floating along on his money. James didn’t earn anything but his increasing chance of lung cancer with every suck of his deadly little sticks of tobacco.
Shaking his head absently at the television that was depicting some old fashioned carolers, he tried not to think about that ache that lingered somewhere in his sternum. As much as James was a hazard to everyone’s health he was also something elusive, desirable almost, and Benji secretly just wished to be accepted. The night was dark around him, and Benji flicked off the TV. Stringing up the new garlands, He then took the left over bowl of kernels to the kitchen and blindly put it into the darkness before him that somewhere held the sink.
The lock scraped loudly, and Benji froze, James was back. The door was swung open and immediately Benji sensed something wrong, there wasn’t just one set of heavy foot falls. Instead he listened to James’ steady steps as well as the erratic path of someone small who smelt strongly of cheap perfume.
Benji silent and motionless in the alcove of their dorm that made up the kitchen, went unnoticed by the heavy breathing, and occasionally giggling couple. A cloud shifted outside and moonlight flooded the apartment, Benji watched as James’ head turned to him. They locked eyes for only a few heartbeats, something unspoken broke between them as James blinked away and shut the door of his room behind him.
Benji, now in a foul mood and not really knowing why, stormed off into his room and slammed the door without much after thought collapsing into his bed and burying his head under his pillow until morning.
This was the worst Christmas ever.
The Third One
Benji hesitantly stepped out of the elevator. It was the most spontaneous thing he’d ever done. He had the full expectation to have the door slammed in his face, but something, something about this time of year just felt wrong in his single dorm.
Locating apartment C11 Benji stepped up to the bare clean spot before that door that clearly indicated it should have a welcome mat. Benji made a note to maybe get one before he remembered he didn’t live there, he never would, it didn’t matter. He frowned but raised his fist and knocked before he could think about it too much.
Lately thinking about James, and why he was thinking about James led him to become very confused and disoriented. Muffled sounds from behind the door alerted Benji of movement. His eyes widened and he suddenly got very shy, why the hell was he there? What was he doing? Before he could move his statue of a body into a hidden position, the door was wrenched open and he was face to face with his surly looking ex-dorm mate.
James eyed him as Benji opened his mouth to stutter out some sort of excuse or greeting or something. Turning on his heel, James retreated back into the apartment leaving the door and Benji gaping. Looking around suspiciously Benji took a slow step into the apartment and closed the door without looking back.
“ I didn’t think you’d last this long,” James had turned off his TV, leaving an awkward silence that begged to be filled by conversation. Benji licked his lips wondering what to say at the same time as trying to beat back all the sudden things he wanted to say that were threatening to come out all at once. Instead only one rather pathetic gurgle pulled from his throat and sat in the room between them. James frowned.
“ Did you just gurgle? What the fuck is wrong with you?” he moved across the room and behind a counter to his stainless steel refrigerator.
“ N-no! I just wanted to- see- wish- I…er…here!” he offered up an engraved lighter that he’d long ago stolen from a sleeping James’ pocket, not realizing it would have been far more effective to steal all his cigarettes to get him to stop smoking.
James frowned and moved forward. Cracking his Coke open and taking a long gulp, he retrieved the metal device from Benji’s palm and flicked it open, igniting it and flipping it closed. Then he turned it over in his hand and thumbed the engraving on the back. Benji had long ago memorized the words from hours of staring at the lighter, carrying it in his pocket to pull out at random intervals. That was really why he had it, he didn’t even think of having a real reason to be there.
“ What does it mean?” Benji found himself blurting out before he’d had a chance to stop himself. James glanced up, his eyes unfocused for a moment.
“ Hm, oh, it’s just…an old family motto. I’d thought I’d lost this,” he sighed folding the lighter back into his fist and squeezing before slipping it into his own pocket.
“ Oh, no, I found it, um in some stuff last week. It probably just got jumbled in with my things when we moved,” He nodded and James did the same blinking slowly before taking another sip of his cola. Benji resisted bouncing on the balls of his feet.
“ So is it like…valuable or something?” he found himself asking, prying really. He’d never seen James react like that to anything and he was eager to explore it, and maybe just stay a bit longer.
“ not really, it’a piece of shit, won’t light half the time but-“ he rolled his shoulders and looked away sitting down at the small round table between the couch and the kitchen, “ Are you going to stand there or sit down?” James asked without looking at him and taking out the lighter again.
Benji jumped and took off his coat, a bit thrilled, and bit nervous, and more confused than ever as he pushed his jacket over the back of the couch and sat across from James. He watched as James fingered the small box, turning it over and over in his hands, much the same way Benji had been doing for the last few months.
“ It belonged to my grandfather, he gave it to me just before he died,” He said doing that odd slow blink again. Benji bit his lip feeling terrible about having have possession of it for so long. Did James look for it when he’d thought he’d lost it? Was he worried? Remorseful?
“ I’m so so-“
“ Don’t fucking be sorry, you didn’t even know him,” James’ eyes flashed and Benji shut his mouth with an audible snap. Silence wrapped around them as James stared at the lighter, no doubt in a different time, at a different age. “ It was Christmas eve, he’d given it to me as a gift. Later that night he had a heart attack, I spent Christmas day in waiting room of the ICU, he was dead by dinner,” James shrugged like he wasn’t affected by the tale anymore. Benji’s mouth was dry and he didn’t really know what to say, he looked about the barely furnished apartment and back to James.
“ Is that why you don’t like Christmas?” He whispered wondering if James had actually shared something of a personal nature with him. Maybe their separation actually made James miss Benji as much as Beni missed James.
Benji never got an answer, instead James went to the sofa and sat down flicking on the TV. Benji hesitantly followed sitting on the opposite side.
Sometime the next morning Benji woke, his neck stiff from sleeping on a couch arm and his mouth feeling cottony from his neglect to brush his teeth the night before. Looking around he squinted, seeing he was still in james’ apartment. After all those hours of watching wheel of fortune, the Price is right and CNN he must have dozed off.
Sitting up he rubbed his eyes and looked down, finding his shoes having been removed and his body covered with a thick spare blanket. Feeling oddly out of place, yet tingly and sleepy all the same, Benji set his head back into the uncomfortable arm, turned over and closed his eyes once more.
The Fourth One
“I know you don’t like it, but I think it’s at least healthy to have a tree at Christmas. Besides I’m staying with you and I’d like it,” Benji grunted hauling on the spruce that they were currently trying to move up three flights of stairs.
“ I can kick you out at any moment. Fuck, I only agreed to this because of the fucking elevator!” James’ voice floated over and through the branches of the prickly green tree and Benji quietly snickered. The looking on James’ face when his landlord said he couldn’t take the sticky sappy bottom of the tree into the elevator unless he wanted to pay for new carpeting was priceless. “ Who puts fucking carpet in a fucking elevator?” James asked for at least the fourth time as he gave another push. Benji sighed and heaved. This was a lot easier when there were two people and when James was in an powerful rage. Wedging around another corner, they were on the last flight.
“ And why the fuck did you want a real one? It’s ruining my fucking $300 coat, you’re fucking paying for this you fucker.” James’ potty mouth was starting to grate on his nerves, it wasn’t that bad. He voiced as much and was only treated to another bout of verbal harassment.
“ WHAT? Fuck you! You made me carry this fucking thing I can fucking say anything I fucking want to! You’re just a dumb fuck who never fucking swears.” Benji screwed up his face and pushed through the door onto the floor.
“ You think I don’t fucking swear? Fuck you, you fucking shit faced cunt! It’s not that fucking bad, now stop complaining we’re almost the fuck there.” Benji yelled right back, intent on proving his ability to cuss just as badly as James. When he set down the tree though to pul out his keys he didn’t bargain for the rest of their neighbours to be in the hall as well.
“ Oh my!” an old woman scowled at him and he turned a dark shade of red. Maybe he’d been a bit louder than he’d thought. James had this biggest shit eating grin on his face obviously having known what would happen if he tore screaming down the hallway like a twelve year old with their first damn.
Benji opened the door and hauled the tree in after him. James was off like a shot away from the tree and Benji as well.
“ I’ll kill you, you knew what would happen!” Benji seethed leaning the tree against the door and ripping his scarf from his throat. James raised an eyebrow in perfect innocence.
“ I don’t know what you’re talking about…you mother fucker.”
The Fifth One
The dawning of Christmas day was met with cursing and Benji hefting a large frozen turkey onto the kitchen counter. With him unofficially living with James (and paying a hefty interest on his half of rent until he managed to find his own place) in a fully equipped apartment, access to an oven was completely within his grasp this year, and he intended on making the most of the season.
He’d never cooked a turkey before, he’d never really cooked anything before, but he was sure it couldn’t be that hard. Having left it out for what he thought was a reasonable amount of time for it to thaw, he found it still cold in some places and warm in others. Probably a perfectly natural phenomenon, he reasoned cleaning out the insides and setting it in a massive aluminum pan he’d bought for the occasion.
James stumbled out of his room, bleary eyed and barely dressed, his boxers hanging low off one hip and making Benji feel uncomfortably hot and focus harder on the task at hand.
“ What timesit?” James slurred collapsing on the sofa and picking up a half finished rum and coke he’d started the night before.
“ Half past nine, I’m just putting the turkey in…” he frowned at the complicated instructions in the new cook book he’d bought as well, and idly thought back to his mother’s golden skinned succulent Christmas turkeys. If she could do it, he certainly could. Puffing up his chest, he hesitantly turned the dial of the stove and opened the oven door. Slotting the turkey in and closing the door once more Benji looked about and nodded, that seemed far, far too easy for the lengths his mother went to each year and a wave of sickening dread washed over him.
James stood, scratching rather obscenely and stretched before gesturing to the tree, “ Going to open your stupid presents?” He asked and for some reason in the duration of watching him, Benji’s suspicious was entirely forgotten and his focus shifted onto James and the twinkling Christmas tree.
Six hours later, in the lethargy that accompanied the aftershocks of opening presents, using presents and watching a made for TV Christmas movie, hunger was rumbling insistently through Benji’s stomach.
Glancing over at the oven, he decided it was time to check the turkey, maybe he’d neglected that a bit, but really what harm could it have done. Standing and crossing the apartment he thought of why he’d been distracted again. He’d found an unmarked package under the tree that he certainly hadn’t put there, and knowing Santa had long gone the way of the tooth fairy only one suspect was left. James, he’d left him a present, a scarf in fact. Benji grinned thinking of it again as he tugged gently at the adornment still at his neck, James had remembered, even as he’d protested the crowded mall trip will ever swear and slander he had against Benji, he still remembered which one Benji had wanted.
Of course James had completely denied it and said he’d probably bought it for himself and forgot, or maybe one if his stupid friends had brought it over. Benji blinked at that one, James especially knew how stupid that sounded, he had immense trouble making friends, and the ones he’d made so far weren’t close enough for presents just quite yet.
Pulling open the oven door in a bit of a daze, he was completely unready to meet the image of a rolling black cloud of smoke instead of a juicy sweet smelling bird. “ You’re cleaning that up,” James hadn’t even turned his head, or opened his eyes for that matter from what Benji had assumed was a quick cat nap.
Benji swallowed hard and pulled the crumpled tray out of the oven. Setting it down he didn’t bother to take it’s temperature, instead opting to cut it open and view the damage. If the outside was charred and the inside was still good maybe it wasn’t so bad after all-
The inside was….well it was raw and…still frozen? How was that possible? Benji frowned and picked up his cooking book again, it stated that the overall temperature of the bird should be even before cooking or…well…this would happen.
Dropping the book he turned back to the once dinner and groaned, plan B, microwaving it. Seeing the whole thing didn’t fit, he proceeded to cut off hunks of alternately smoking and icy meat and placing them into the microwave.
Slamming the door he set the time, noting James was leaning against the couch now, watching him with some sort of mild amusement on his face. Turning his back on the now whirring device he had just enough time to see James’ horror filled eyes before a loud bang and a tiny explosion rocked the kitchen.
“ WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?” James was clearing the smoke and patting out a small fire luckily nothing was damaged but- Benji cringed, the microwave was entirely busted.
“ So…that’s what happens when you microwave metal,” he laughed nervously seeing the charred fork that had flown out of the appliance and onto the tiled floor by his feet.
“ You’re paying for this!” James hissed sweeping past him to open the door, where their very pissed off super was standing.
“ You boys again? I swear this time of year… What happened?” He stepped into the kitchen and Benji stood back to let him survey the damage. Half an hour later, He was cutting two cheques, one for the damage, and one for James because he was keeping Beni’s ‘kamikaze ass’ around.
“ Right, I’m going out to get something to eat,” James blew out of the apartment, slamming the door as Benji continued to clean up the mess that consumed the kitchen. After the turkey, and the microwave remnants were taken to the basement, as they were too large for the garbage chute (much to Benji’s obvious delight), he returned to the forlorn apartment ready to grab a granola bar and call it a night.
James sat at the table, a take out chicken dinner laid before him and an unopened one sitting at Benji’s place. Pausing for a moment, James glanced up and to his spot, gesturing wordlessly for him to eat.
For the second time that day Benji truly believed in the greater good of humanity, or at least in the good of the human before him, who so easily masked it with a well placed belch, and a few curses.
“ It was cheaper if I bought the two person-“
“ I’m sor-“
They both paused and looked at the other, finding something neither of them really knew they wanted, and went back to eating in silence, the way it always was.
The Sixth One
Benji couldn’t stop thinking about It. The Incident. It’d been weeks ago, probably months but it haunted him still. Every time his mind wandered, or his eyes slipped onto a couple in the streets there it was hanging before him.
“ Fuck,” he hissed rubbing his eyes. It meant nothing, it didn’t matter, they’re in college, that’s what you do. Most importantly, it didn’t bother James, so why should it bother him?
James, the main problem sat down, tossing him his foil wrapped burger. They were in the cafeteria of a local mall, Benji had spotted a table and gone to save it while James ordered and now something between ‘ Yeah, I’ll have a diet coke’ and ‘ Here’s your fucking burger, fag,’ had obviously bothered James. Benji carefully unwrapped his lunch and started chewing thoughtfully, knowing eventually James would spill over and provoking him would only make him defensive.
“ That’s the third time this week,” he said darkly into his fries. Benji set down his burger and looked up, dusting sesame seeds off of his fingers.
“ What’s that?” he blinked casually, best to stay neutral.
“ Those fucking girls! Asking if we’re fucking queer. Do I look fucking queer?” James snarled and ripped into his lunch as Benji’s stomach flipped over.
“ Oh?” his lighthearted tone sounded a bit forced. “ Those girls have asked you three times this week?” He chose the safe route, he’d rather not have James’ wrath come down upon him when they’d just begun to really get along – His mind drifted back to it again, the k-The Incident, and he was determined not to think about it.
“ You know what I mean,” James took a long pull from his soda and slammed it back on the table rubbing his temples.
“ Well, it’s just because we’re together a lot. I’m sure if we were with girls no one would question it at all. Speaking of girls, they’re always together and yet no one asks them if they’re lesbians, I’m going to start doing that.” Benji babbled hoping maybe to distract James from this new and growing problem. The last thing he wanted to happen was for them to start talking about what was between them, what lead them to- to kiss.
Benji flinched again as a rapid instant replay rolled over his body, it all happened so fast, it was just an ordinary day, there was something funny on TV, they were sitting slide by side their bodies pressed together casually from knee to shoulder. James leaned over to grab something and it just sort of happened. There was no real beginning or end or one specific person to started it or ended it, it just happened.
And Benji couldn’t stop thinking about it.
“ Right, girls, cause we’re straight, I’m straight, are you straight?” James asked gruffly giving Benji a suspicious eye that for some reason cut him rather deeply.
“ Of course I’m straight,” it came out a bit more cross and high pitched than he’d intended but it didn’t matter, James seemed satisfied for the moment. Benji cleared his throat and got that weird ‘something bad is going to happen’ feeling again but it was soon pushed out of his head as the k- The Incident sat down again ready to be resolutely ignored.
The days had progressed in a rather unpredictable manner from that point on, when they should have been perfectly in their element comfortable together they tended to be parted by awkward silences masked by coughs and shuffling of feet. Benji couldn’t name the number of times that day he’d found his own hands so newly fascinating when one of those moments would descent upon them. It made him uneasy to think that something so small so insignificant really could shake his whole world up like a manhandled sixth grade shoebox diorama. Usually afterward his insides felt like the mangled diorama as well, bruised and torn.
“ Right, I’m bringing a date to that party on Saturday.” James peeled the bun off of his burger and flicked the pickle out with distain, “ and I’m only telling you,” his eyes flicked up for a moment to capture Benji’s completely before returning to his pickle flicking, “ So you won’t expect me to hold your–” he stopped, a panicked look widening his eyes for a fraction of a second. He coughed, but the awkward situation was already stuffed too far down his throat this time.
Benji cast his eyes down, no he didn’t expect James to hold his hand, but the fact he was so stiffly ignoring the issue of ‘them’ or the non-issue of ‘them’ and clinging to his straight manwhoring ways even though they both knew they should talk about ‘them’ and the Incident- Benji pushed some ketchup around with a fry unable to eat it now that he felt like he was on a rocking ship at sea. They were going to capsize eventually and the thought of losing James, the truthfully sad fact of his only friend, was terrifying.
James took a huge bite of his burger.
Honestly the opposite idea was just as horrifying, Benji didn’t know how to be normal when he was normal, but trying to be normal while being gay, or bisexual, or james-sexual or whatever he possibly was, was as daunting as the laborious task of building a new life from scratch without his abusive room mate. The past six years, gone. Benji tossed the flavorless bit of potato into his mouth and shrugged the tension out of his shoulders.
“ Whatever,” He sighed and waited a moment for the tossing in his head to settle before picking up his burger, if he concentrated he could pretend like nothing had happened, he could be with J– Benji blinked. He could be like James.
This took forever to post, I'm going to kill safari.
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